Is it true, is it necessary, is it kind? Please ask yourself...

It's been one heck of a week, luckily we've all managed to pull through and with integrity and dignity. That in any given week is a miracle.

Being a childless step parent has its own round of issues, from the banal to the increasingly intense.

I had always taken refuge in the fact that the biological mom and I had many things in common, a love for reading, comic books, super heroes, education, music, and our ideologies on parenting were very similiar. From the early moments of becoming a step parent I let both her and my DH know that I was not the parent; they were, I was a loving presence in their lives. Much like a God-Parent, or loving aunt or uncle that was the role that would work.

Challenging the biological mom, or the biological father on anything seemed very much an overstepping of my boundaries, that is why this role for me is one of acceptance, of those things that I cannot and do not change. They are what they are and that is it.

This week revealed to me that there can be darker measures to being a step parent or even a biological parent.

Moms from all over the United States began to post on my blog their opinions on a measure that really was none of their business, but they made it their business and according to the mommy posts in the Yahoo group, I was also able to find out that the things I felt were true and that the biological mom and I had in common were not true, her more open measure of the biological father and I was that of the same bitterness and vitrol that I've worked to avoid. When one thinks that they won't be found out it is very easy to wound and hurt those around them...the words that were sent and the ones on the Yahoo group were both made measure of hurt and pain...this week was made of hurt and pain for all involved. That shares with me the Dharma and Karma...please keep reading.

I did exactly what my friend P told me to which was to pray for all involved to have a positive outcome, that is what I've done, no one outside of the biological father and one friend actually knows what was said or written, and they both have said nothing of equal measure to hurt anyone. I am fortunate that my friends have no ill will toward anyone...this morning I look at my stat counter to make sure that things have returned to an equal measure of "normal" and there are many of the "mommies" lurking and waiting for me to post something that could be libelous or negative, but that is not who I am. I cannot imagine posting things that would only create and move toward negativity. The whole point of the Dharma and Karma is that in translation means the truth (Dharma) and the Consequence (Karma).

I was told a long time ago and meditate and pray this every single day...I ask myself each day...is it true, is it necessary, and is it kind?

When I am not anyone measure of these I immediately correct them by apology or amend...the measure must be taken to correct the negativity that was created. The truth there is that the biological parents both know this to be true...when I over step, or make a measured mistake I apologize immediately...without provocation. I doubt that an apology will be forthcoming from anyone who chose to call names, be hurtful, or negative.

I doubt that the negative and hurtful words that were lobbed to me by the many mommies (those posts will not be printed as it would only create a more neagitve space) and the words that the mommies shared with one another on their unique Yahoo board will also not be repeated, but it is good measure to know where one stands in life, and to know that when a person states that they like you and are willing to go to lengths to be honest, can at the same time write quite intensively mean and hurtful things... you know where you stand...

Luckily the world is filled with lawyers who also believe that to talk negatively of people in a public domain isn't kind either.

So I will for the last time ask that you find another blog to lurk on, another group to read, another person to be negative towards...you won't find a fight here at all, you won't find a negative space for comments, my Dharma and Karma ask always; is it kind, is it true, is it necessary...if it's not and I feed into it, then I owe my best amend and apology to correct the situation.

Broken Hearted

So I received this comment in my comments section and I put it up because it is a very clear statement about why it is heartbreaking to be a childless step mother:

venceraturival (http://openid.aol.com/venceraturival) has left a new comment on your post "Tick Tick Tick Tick...BOOM!":

Yeah because you love those children so much that you and your "dearest DH" are willing to push them completely out of your lives for good. Yeah, that's love... only.... only.... only.... NOT!!!!

Remember when you point a finger at someone else you have three more fingers pointing back at you.

Publish this comment.

Reject this comment.

Moderate comments for this blog.

Posted by venceraturival to The Dharma and Karma of a Step Mama at April 1, 2009 6:48 PM


Now what makes this comment heartbreaking is that this is someone who knows the biological mom of H and J, and of course didn't have the tenacity to leave a manner to comment back to them, but this is heartbreaking in that being truthful about being a childless step mom I also have the privilege of being attacked.

The bio-mom R has never once been attacked for her comments on the struggles of being a single mom via her blog, as a matter of fact most of my friends understand the struggles well; to say that I am pointing a finger seems strange to me also because my blog does no such thing.

I find it interesting that this person has chosen to remain anonymous, has chosen to judge me and has never met me, had never had a chance to discuss with me the reasoning for this comment and my post. I imagine that this person calls themselves a Christian and yet of course, cast the first stone...well it hit me, in my heart and it has made it very clear that the role of Jesus' teachings in Christianity must not be studied anymore.

I also know that this person is an online friend of the bio-mom R's because I have stat counter and a brilliant person I work with who can google earth anyone and find the address and listings of such, my StatCounter shows that the post came from a "mommy group", of all things...a mommy group...a group of mommy's who struggle to be good parents, who struggle to do the best they can, and what I got was flamed by one such mommy...wow...that truly amazes me.

I work a program that says when I make mistakes I amend those mistakes, which is exactly what I do with the bio-mom R all the time. I don't allow my friends or even my "DH" to work that program for me at all, I amend my mistakes, I take responsibility, I don't need my friends to do that for me...that would unnatural.

I have not ever posted pictures, identifying features of the family I am a step parent too, the bio mom posts pics on her blog all the time, which is why there is no link to her blog from mine, to keep the anonymity clear on this...but this post let me know that that is not the case for the step mom.

Clearly there is some form of hypocracy happening here and it is hurtful, it is painful and I truly have no idea why someone would post such a hurtful thing and not allow themselves to be commented back too...

This is truly sad...by heart is broken.

Gender/Class Bias anyone????

I've been thinking about this because it seems that I cannot escape it on the newsstands, the television, Oprah, nighttime news, E!Entertainment channel, SciFi channel, etc...you get the picture.

I have been thinking of Nadya Suleman aka the Octomom. I work very hard in my life to not judge and not place any crap that I may have onto others...usually any judgement that I have only reflects my own fears and inadequacies more than any character defect that another may or may not possess. But she has been everywhere and somehow compared to an octopus...but I did start to think to myself why are we even looking at her reproductive rights and why is it that we have an opinion about it?

In bullets this is what I think, my disclaimer is that this is only my humble opinion and I have no judgement about Nadya, but I definitely have an understanding of the exploitation and magnifying glass that the media presents.

* In many religious belief systems of western culture the more children the more wealth, presence, and a more glowing afterlife will be yours...but we don't really seem to shine the light on Mormon or Catholic families that boast upwards of 15+ in their family size. Why is that?

*Jon and Kate plus 8 is the most watched show on TLC, but their 8 vary from Nadya's 8 in that there's a "Jon" and Kate although making the decision to use fertility drugs it is a show that the whole family can watch, depending on what you call a family. Why is that?

*Nadya made a decision and although I don't have a personal judgement of her decision, it was her's too make; they are her reproductive organs and not mine. Now because she's not in a religious way or with a man to help her out...the culture can make her out to be a villian and a woman who is out to get attention and money...is this true, I don't know, I don't know Nadya. It seems that her father and mother like many father's and mother's who when the spotlight is turned on them, turn on thsoe they love. I find it odd that Nadya's mother watched her previous brood, and seemed to do it, but as soon as the culture judged her daughter she changed her tune to that of throwing her daughter under the bus...why is that?

* Nadya has to raise the kid with the help of "the system" and/or "welfare", well considering that 7 cents per 1000.00 dollars actually funds our medicaid, welfare, food stamp system and a much greater amount goes to fund the military industrial complex, I can't really say that she's sucking away so much of my tax dollar. But I do find it perplexing that people from all over the world seem to think that she's taking their money? I have no dog in that race, but I find it odd that "16 going on 17" another huge family on TLC seems to have no class judgement thrown at them for thier choices to have many children. Why is that?

*I am not trying to encite a huge debate, I just find that a womans choice no matter what the choice seems to be under the scrutiny of so many. How many times have I asked my dear protestors who protest against abortion, if they are against it, don't have one, and if they are so open, then adopt the child, or take care of a child who isn't as fortunate...only to be stared at blankly...but it is not my place to judge her. She has enough of that lobbed at her in a way that reveals our truer agendas and biases, those of gender and class.

Class plays a subtle yet profound way in which we see the world through our own lens, and yet it is there. My mother was very poor, and yet managed with the help of "the system" and her mom raise a fairly competent daughter and productive member of society.

Oh, and why don't they look at the doctor who allowed this, isn't that a bit unethical? Or have we not decided yet, has Nadya managed to bring about a larger and much more complex set of events that may take a much longer time to look at and discern, but I just cannot let the media shape my identity as much as I cannot let it shape my heart.

I have compassion for Nadya that she would have this many children and yet still seems lost within herself and her life...to identify herself as only mother, there is something lost in the translation for her, and possibly her soul, but still yet not for me to judge and definitely, not for me to name "Octomom."

*Does anyone else find that name offensive?

Well now you all know I'm a feminist and free spirit who loves to find balance in all, but I just had to get this off my heart and chest, thanks for reading it.

Tick Tick Tick Tick...BOOM!

What can you do in 96 hours? Many of us can get a whole lot done...we can clean, cook, work, write blogs, and add to that we can drive many places in that amount of time; or if we're Jack Bauer we can save the world a few times over.

For me and my dearest heart hubby, 96 hours is the average amount of hours we have with H and J. These are precious hours to us, we tend to overdo the things because we have so little time with them. This is the precarious nature of the step parent. What can I do with so little time. What can I embue in those hours, how much of the dharma that I have so come to trust can I share with them?

I think that the honest answer is, not much.

This past weekend was a huge lesson in acceptance and the thing about acceptance is that I have learned that I can accept things, people, places, and moods, but it does not mean that I have to like it...that's the joy of acceptance! This is a huge lesson for me, for most probably, just to accept and move forward.

This was a birthday weekend for me, I have not had a birthday with H and J, so DH had made some fun plans for all of us throughout the weekend; DH was presenting at our congregation and then we had a luncheon planned, but the kids did not get to that because Friday night when we picked them up for the weekend, their grandmom told us that we needed to get them back by noon on Sunday because H had a birthday party to be at that had been arranged to fit her scheudule.

First off, telling us that late when you've known is not copasetic as far as planning events.

Secondly, we've not had the children for my birthday ever, so this was special for me. To tell DH that they've had to miss things while being with us in our 96 hours doesn't cut it, to be honest you have them the other hours out of the month...the Christian Calendar that we've been using for the past 2100 years seems to show that my birthday has been the same the past 2000 years if using said calendar.

Thirdly, we understand that you all have lots of fun, amazing, and family oriented events planned and we try to respect all of them, we understand that we will always be outnumbered, out-moneyed and out-timed, but we take our 96 hours very seriously and we try very hard to make the most with less.

DH and I were very saddened by the weekend and before there's any emails about the fact that H and J have a life, yes they do and we honor that greatly, but because the birthday and the plans needed adjustment so quickly; it was truthfully hurtful to both of us.

I would love to talk with R, their mom, but have recognized over the past six years that sharing my fears, frusterations, or parenting ideas that DH and I may have doesn't always translate. We get lost in the translation because we don't have much time, we don't have a lot of money, and we don't have family to share with H and J...we usually just end up being more frusterated and less and less is resolved. We've never gotten to sit together and talk about parenting, we've just accepted what is, and that is what we will continue to do.

This all leaves me with the form of acceptance; this I can accept, this I can move on from, as the step mom again my place is to accept and to just know that our 96 hours are not the given, that our 96 hours will not increase any time soon as the kids get older; so my role is to accept it in all its forms, even if it's not my dharma nor my karma.


Oh, acceptance you are a bitter pill at times, but one that must be swallowed, lest we end up not practicing compassion, sharing, and love.

Love is always the bottom line...especially when it comes to acceptance.

One Step Moms Struggle

This is a personal post, it has been roaming about in my head for over three weeks now and I just haven't really figured out how to put it into words or express it adequately and I doubt that I will at this point, but I figure that I really need to just get it out and put it out there.

I am going to be 41 years old in a week. Not really "old" although if people at work keep calling me "ma'am" I know I am going to crack! I do work to take care of my skin, I work to keep a young attitude, but I also recognize that I am going to be 41 years old. I get tired a bit quicker than I used too, I tend to work harder than ever, and have many commitments, but life is good and full.

I have a few friends and we've all chosen to not have children. Yes, it's very counterintuitive to our culture and it is perplexing mostly to those who have children or those who want you to have children. It is not perplexing to me, I just really never felt that it was a good idea, not for me, not for the "couples" I made, and not for the planet. I have always been surrounded by children, and that has given me great pleasure. I have never felt that I was missing anything...UNTIL...

Six years ago I moved across the country and I was at the time 35 and still in a relatively okay age to have children, I also fell in love with someone who although we have had our problems I all of the sudden wanted, desired and felt propelled to another planet due to my hormones to procreate with this man. He has two wonderful children with his first wife and I think that some of my longing was having them around us and propelling my hormones to an almost deafening roar. It was all I could do, but finally my brain got ahold of itself and I realized that as much as I love my DH having his child is not the only way to show him or myself how much I love him...that still leaves society to contend with.

Society has not been as friendly or affirming and the part of the world I live in is rife with kids, so sometimes I am the awkward "mom" out. I am not looked down upon, no, but I am regarded very uneasily by other moms, my lack of children and the duties, responsibilities of full time children seems to fall upon them as strange and not normal by the standards of today. Here's how I usually deal with that, I do state that I have two step children, planning our savings, retirement, college funds, and life in general has taken up most of my life.

I listen to single moms and hear their struggle, I listen to my married with children friends and hear their struggle and I recognize my own struggle in this, we all struggle, we all fall, and we all get back up again. I was raised by a single mother who had no other partners and my father was completely absent, so she did it with some help from her mother, and help from me...I think that growing up in that situation made me want children with my heart, my soul and yes hormones too, but now that I am solidly in my forties I can look at those who ask me with an openness I am uncomfortable with why I don't have children and I can look them squarely in the eyes and say, "I'm too old now!" It's none of your business never worked maybe aging will!

Rule Number 1

You are not the biological parent. You will never be the biological step parent. This is a truth.

There is not ever going to be a time when you are the biological parent. Not unless you live in a fantasy/magickal land where this somehow can mystically happen.

It is alright that you are not the biological parent. It's not a failing, nor is it some sort of defect on your part. Keep in mind that the family that was is no longer, but the family is still that...a family and they will be family as long as you are in the picture and even when/if you're not.

This is obtuse at first, that feeling of wanting to be a family, but you ar enot a part of the original/biological family, they exist and your role is yet to be discovered through work and waiting. It's the waiting; waiting to understand who you are in the family. It will be different for every person. It will be different for you.

Now this may not apply to families who have active aclcohol/drug addiction or some form or a missing parent, but do not kid yourself even if the other parent is missing, the children will miss them and wonder about them, and it's up to you to not put the parent down as the children do recognize that they are from that parent. When you put them down, or judge them the kdis can reflect on that and at some point feel that you are putting them down. It's all about the kids, you will find your place, remember you had a place to begin with as you...your role in the family will transform and will progress.

I didn't know what my role was and I think that was better, I realize now that the role could transform.

I of course realize that there are many sticky wickets of parenting in general, but there are even more in the unknown step parenting world, it's just a matter of showing up, suiting up, and shutting up...listen...you will know.


Acceptance...that's what it's all about. (Boy, do I still wish it was the hokey pokey).

The Rules of Step-Mom Club

So what are the rules of the "underground step parent society?" I tried to figure this out for the first three years of my marriage. Weren't there rules somewhere? I read all the books I could and will save that for a later post. There are some great ones but mostly they are far and few in between. I got some good facts and some good ideas, but I wanted some rules to follow, easy questions and even easier to achieve answers. Nope, not out there at all.

I should have known that there weren't any easy answers, but I sought them through books, websites, and even the blogosphere. What I found are resources, but many vilify the biological parents or they look over the realistic situations that come up day to day like changing diapers, buying groceries, cooking healthy meals, being a healthy role model, and cleaning. Not to mention discipline of self and children, and nurturing of the mind, the body and the spirit. This is a heady task for anyone, most days it has felt Herculian in order; and most days I went to bed feeling defeated, outside of, and mostly full of fear.

I think one thing about being a step parent that has been the hardest for me to work through is that I change diapers, help with potty training, cook, clean, organize play dates, wipe bo-hineys when needed, clean up the leftovers of being sick and contribute my time, energy, finances and all to the raising and care for the children that the two adults that are no longer together but have created andI have all the duties of a parent, but none of the recognition by the law or even in society as being a parent.

For me the first rule of step parenting has been the abillity to surrender. I have had to surrender to the fact that I am not the parent by any legal means, and no matter what my heart feels there are still two loving parents who were a family before I was ever a part of it...that surrender also sometimes means that even when I disagree with one or both, knowing to keep my mouth shut and surrender to the moment.